It doesn’t matter how secure a guy is with himself or in his relationship, there are things women do (either purposefully or inadvertently) that make a dude want to go all Khal Drogo and start knife fighting in front of a bunch of people. It’s not that guys are perpetually jealous, they’re just hardwired to defeat all challengers, and these things set alarms off in the latent, primordial lizard part of their brain. The only reason you don’t see knife fights break out at bars every 30 seconds is because most of us have learned to suppress our base urges. But know this: Whenever a woman we’re into does one of these things, our inner monologue is essentially the music video for Michael Jackson’s “Beat It.”
1. Flirting with other dudes. Nothing makes a guy’s brain scream, “WHO IS THIS GUY DESTROY HIM AND THEN IMPREGNATE YOUR MATE ATOP HIS CARCASS” more then seeing you really flirt with another dude. This is something no one should make their partner suffer through ever, unless you are a horrible trash person.
2. Laughing at another guy’s joke. If something is funny, you can’t help but laugh. But this can drive your guy nuts, especially if they take their own sense of humor as a point of pride. Don’t be surprised if your typically good-natured clown is stamping his hooves and snorting, signaling he is ready to engage in a fight.
3. Going out to the bars for a “girls night.” We have no idea what happens on these, but the odds are you’re going to get approached by a guy at least once, and we want to fight that hypothetical probability.
4. Getting all “teen girl fervent” over famous people. Do you want to know why most guys hate people like Justin Bieber and Harry Styles? It’s because of you. It’s because of something you did.
5. Bringing up other guys using only a first name. You know what’s OK? Starting a sentence “Oh, so Ted Smith” or “Ted from work.” You know what’s not OK? “Ohmygod, Ted did the funniest thing today.” This is a surefire way to get us to show up at your office, waving a velvet-lined box in Ted’s face while screaming at him, “Pick a dueling weapon!”
6. Texting other dudes. Texting can lead to sexting. It’s this decade’s “being in AOL chat rooms too much.” Also, “being in AOL chat rooms too much” was the last decade’s “just going outside and talking to everyone you see.”
7. Having a male best friend. It doesn’t matter how ironclad the relationship is, or how “just friends” you are. We are always going to think about whether or not you two have ever had sex with each other. Blame most rom-coms where the best friends realize that their soul mate was in front of them all along.
8. Bringing up good times with an ex. Here’s what he thinks every time you casually bring up how you occasionally, maybe, sort of had an OK time with an ex once: “IS SHE STILL IN LOVE WITH HIM IS THE SEX BETTER WHERE IS HE I WILL FIGHT HIM AND PROVE I AM SUPERIOR” Every time. You can see the moment where his eyes glaze over with rage. It’s just a moment, and then it’s gone.
9. When you use your vacation days to go on a trip with friends. Those are vacation days you could have used to spend time with him. Unless he’s agoraphobic or really likes his space, he might be left wondering why you don’t spend time with him. Alternatively, he could be really excited that he’s got some extra vacation days he can use to stay home and order pizza and jerk off.
10. When you choose your friend’s side over ours. We’re going to be butthurt if we don’t like one of your friends and you choose their side in a stupid, drunk argument we get into. We get they’re your childhood friend, but it’s tough to hear we’re wrong.
11. When you go to a party without him and post tons of pics to Instagram. That party he definitely didn’t care about going to because it was just your friends? Yeah, he’s at home looking at all the pics and thinking about how much fun he’s having. That is, if he isn’t too busy ordering a pizza and masturbating.
12. When you stay at work really late. What are you doing there so late? Are you having an affair? Do you not want to come home and see him? Why does he spend every night ordering pizzas and masturbating?*
*To clarify, he’s not doing both at the same time. It would be uncomfortable (and possibly a sex crime) to be masturbating while ordering a pizza, or masturbating when the pizza shows up. He’s masturbating, then ordering a pizza, then masturbating again. Maybe he’s even masturbating in between slices, although that seems about as unlikely as it does impractical.