We all have personal preferences in the bedroom, some very common and others illegal in Texas. Still, we all deserve for some of our desires to become reality. How do you make it happen?
Here’s what most women think about 10 of your top sexual fantasies.
1. YOU WANT A THREESOME
* 2. YOU WANT HER TO DRESS UP
She thinks: “Ooo, in what?” Ask me to put on a squirrel costume and I might crush your nuts. Hey, some people are into that stuff! If the costume has to be rented from hotmascots.com, it’s probably a no-go. It takes courage to dress up (some of us are not thrilled with our bodies **) but we want to feel sexy for you. As long as we feel good in it, or you make us feel good in it, there won’t be a problem here. 3. YOU WANT HER TO GO DOWN ON YOU She thinks: “What else is new?” Some girls really enjoy giving oral. If your girlfriend doesn’t, it may be that she’s not comfortable or confident with her technique. Make her comfortable—and not by grabbing her head. Reassure her, tell her she does it the best, and guide her if you want something different. Also, I believe it was Jesus who said give and ye shall receive. So give, often and well. Ye shall receive.
4. YOU WANT ANAL SEX
She thinks: “Ouch!” (and clenches her butt cheeks) Listen fellahs, this is a gift. If you want it, you have to earn it. This will likely be more “thrilling” for you than her. Hey, some girls are good to go, and enjoy it. Others, well, want some time to ease into that stage of a relationship. You know, the stage when she may drop a turd on your bed and you’ll love her anyway. Yeah, that stage. Anal isn’t for the feint of heart, especially if you’ve had Mexican for dinner. Before you go there, watch The Truth about Anal Sex.
5. YOU WANT TO FINISH IN A STRANGE PLACE
(ya know, like her face) She thinks: “Um, what? Why?” Hey, it’s cool if you’re into that sort of thing. P.S.: Why are you into that sort of thing? Nevermind. The rule here is simple: Ask permission before you do it. Or expel your, ah, love on her heart first. You know, show respect for her before you put out on her face.
6. YOU WANT TO WATCH HER MASTURBATE
She thinks: “Awkward!” Sorry, guys, but this is something we’re used to doing on our own, and in our own way. Though we understand why you’d enjoy watching, it can be super-awkward for us. Your best bet: While you’re pleasing her, grab her hand and encourage her to show you what she likes. And definitely tell her how amazing she looks doing it. ***
7. YOU WANT TO TALK DIRTY
She thinks: “You go first.” Use common sense here, guys. Like, don’t start off by calling her a sexy bleeping whore. Ease in, and take it from there. Tell her how gorgeous and sexy she is. She’ll follow your lead and probably get into it.
8. YOU WANT TO DO IT IN A NEW, POSSIBLY DANGEROUS SPOT
She thinks: “Adventurous!” But let it happen spontaneously. That is the fun of it. If you plan for it, the thrill is gone. In fact, she may get cold feet if she has too long to think about it. Keep her on her toes! And try not to get arrested. Jail-cell sex isn’t nearly as hot.
9. YOU WANT TO WATCH PORN TOGETHER
She thinks: “Sure!” She may not want to admit it, but some girls are just as turned on by porn as you are. Not the college-girl show-me-your-titties kind, but the grownup kind. We understand that you’re going to watch it anyway, and it’d be more fun to watch with you and reap the benefits!
10. YOU WANT TO MAKE PORN TOGETHER
She thinks: “Can I trust you?” It’s not posing that puts us off. It’s the prospect of showing up on YouPorn—or, frankly, your buddy’s iPhone. We also know you won’t delete it. Bottom line: This takes loads of trust. No matter how in love we are at the time, we know that not all love lasts forever. But pictures and videos sure do! **** From the Peanut Gallery * We tried. Didn’t happen for us. Having sex with two girls at once is really every man’s calling, our life’s work. There’s just no getting it out of our system. ** What girlfriends and wives generally miss: We’re thrilled with your body, even if you’re not perfect. Your body is a playground for us. We want to explore you—that’s what makes intimacy fun for us. And, sure, planting our flag is cool too. *** This one has always confused us. What’s the difference between our fingers or your fingers getting you off? We’re visual animals—we’d learn so much from watching just one time. Get over it, ladies! **** Women don’t fully appreciate our motivation here. It’s not about creating a porn stash, or showing off your hotness to our buddies. It’s simply this: We think your body is amazing. Any time we get the slightest glimpse of you naked, it puts a smile on our face. Dirty pics, more or less, allow us to bottle that feeling. Plus, someday, when we’re shriveled-up 80-year-olds, we’d like to look at those pictures and remember just how hot you were.